26-07-22 21:32 I can't believe in a month it's been 7 years. 7 years. How different the internet was back then, not just the internet but also the world. I feel sad. I miss those times, and I'm trying to find out why. Around that time, it was one of the worst times in my life actually, how can i possibly miss it? Well, I think life has a way of making happiness out of nothing. I was at rockbottom, I clenched onto anything that could possibly give me happiness, and it just happened to be that. A fandom. 7 years ago I discovered something that ended up majorly changing my life in many ways, and it's going to sound stupid I know, but it was a cartoon. It got me into tumblr, into a community, into a place where I felt like what I could make, was valurable and important to others. Like a little family. I'm writing this now, bc I just watched 2 episodes this evening. While I was watching this cartoon I decided to look on tumblr, to notice, one of the blogs I used to follow and interact with on a daily basis, had been deactivated. It had probably been like that for a while.. but it hurt me. It made me think of what a beautiful place that fandom was for me back then and to see now, 7 years later, all these people who shared that community with me, are gone? Thats the funny thing about the internet, you can vanish out of thin air, but you can't be forgotten. You leave behind all your posts, they stay there forever, for others to look at and wonder, where did they go? When I was watching that show, I had these odd sparks of something I can only describe as joy and nostalgia of some sort. It was like a feeling I so deeply regonized, yet was so easy to forget a secound later. I felt like I was a young teen again for a short moment. I miss those times. How and why does this affect me so deeply? I knew about all the blogs that had been deactivated, and I knew about how dead the fandom had become, I knew about how the show ended years ago. Back when I first expirenced these situations, I did not feel sorrow, I felt that it was a natural process. Now, I think I understand, that all these pieces has come together as what are only distant memories. It's not just a user who deactivated their blog, its not just the show that ended, it's everything coming together, and me only seeing this now. A fandom I slowly left years ago, I now see will never be what it once was. I can cry that it's over but I can also smile that it happened, that's what they say, right? Nonetheless, I think writing this helped me a lot in understanding why and how I'm feeling all these emotions over something that appears so meaningless. I feel silly, and if I was you reading this right now, I would think whoever wrote this must be a little crazy, but the thing is, I don't have the words or the time to ever tell the full context of what that fandom and show meant to me. Something that may justify these feelings might be, that my best friend and I shared loving this show together. We had so many memories about it. She passed away. Not recently, but she did and it's still soemthing that doesnt feel real to me. I suppose, seeing this fandom living on, made me feel like what I had with my best friend wasnt fully gone. Now it's starting to feel like that part of my life is something I'll never be able to get back or relive. Which is true in some capacity, but I try to tell myself, that even though I might never truly feel the same about soemthing or someone, it doesnt mean I won't have other good things coming to me in my life. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm mourning this show, bc I assosiate it with someone I lost, aswell as it was soemthig that gave me a strong and deep feeling of happiness, now seeing all these pieces fall together, that it is truly gone, is a hurtful realization.
Well, I doubt anyone will read this but if you did, then thanks. I feel better now. Goodnight.