Psychedelic Pointer 9

Do you really want to know the thoughts of a mad scientist?

  • take me home
     
    This is the place where I will regularly write down my thoughts and the things that have happened throughout my day and such. See it as a digital err public diary :)
  • 29-09-22 23:25 good evening, I say as I know very well I should be laying in my bed currently, but no matter, I'm here and I wanna share my day with you! So, today was actually pretty rough, I skipped class 2nd time this week and I'm like kinda worried im about to hit another depressive episode, tho I would not be surprised considering the circumstances. Last weekend I went a place I thought I would never see again. The countryside town I studied at college and lived with my best friend, who passed away. It hurts my heart, I miss her everyday. I walked the routes me and her would walk every day to school, I went to the stores me and her would go to buy groceries in every week, and though it hurt, I felt a sense of healing within myself. I remembered so many good memories with her, that I had so deeply supressed, in order to survive the grief. I was so tired when I got home that day, I went directly to sleep. Now its been some days and I am still tired. I cant do simple things such as do the dishes or fold my laundry, all the chores were only getting bigger and bigger and less comprehendable. I called my dad, in need of someone to talk to. I dont trust many ppl, or hold many close in my life so I turn to my parents often when I need help. He gave me the understanding I needed, so I could stop beating myself up over not completing these small tasks. While talking to my dad, my mom called; I told her about my situation, and before I knew it she was in my doorway, ready to do all my chores. I was really touched by my parents' compassion, and I even felt like i could help my mom with the chores, and felt kinda good about myself that I got some done at least. When my mom left, I grabbed some ice cream and Bertram, and snuggled into my couch to watch Harry Potter. I'm on the 7th movie rn! I hope to go to the 2nd hand store tomorrow to see if I might be lucky enough to find a copy of one of the books. Anyways it's getting late, goodnight.

    08-09-22 21:33 TW: Depression, blood. Hey long time no see. A lot of things has happened since I was last here. For once I got a small bloodclut, that was scary and kinda sucks bc now i have to take this medication that makes my blood super thin, ive gotten some cuts today and its been almost like water, its gross and annoying. oh and hey ive moved finally, so yknow, if youve been following along, I can finally assure I did not become homeless, so thats soemthing. I had to live with my parents for 3 weeks which was... hard. My dad left the window open one night and Bertram ran away, that was really rough for me, but he has returned and is happy and as cute as ever. It's been an expirence for the both of us but we are doing amazingly getting through all the hard times. As of right now, I am sitting in my office, yes you heard that right, office, I've got a home office or as I like to call it, my gamer room. Anyways, as of right now im sitting in my gamer room and feeling kind of empty, it's so weird, like things are finally starting to look better and I am not feeling better? I dont understand. I've tried living on my own before but now, I don't know, it gets lonely, which is weird bc I've been outside socializing today, so why do I come home feeling like this? Yesterday I was also really sad. I get annoyed at myself, why arent I happy? Yesterday I was so sad and angry, I can't get over what my old friend did to me and I still feel so hurt from it, I wish that I could just get over it. I know I gain nothing from being bitter but, I cant just push these emotions away, I don't know what to do with them. And I guess now I feel scared and overwhelmed. I'm in a new place, and I don't know what my future will be like, so many things are ending recently, and I'm scared of being by myself, bc when I'm alone I start to get self destructive behaviour. And the thing with me getting a bloodclut, who knows when the next bloodclut will come, it feels like its only a matter of time. My father has had I think 6 bloodcluts? It's a genetic thing... I'm scared. Even tho when I had my roommate, we werent together much, but I recall simply feeling at ease knowing that if anything were to happen to me, I could always go to him, and I would always know where I had him. I have not just lost a roommate but also a good friend. It hurts.
    On a different note, I just finished watching the season 2 finale of Harley Quinn, and I was left with so many emotions I didnt even understand.Remember when I said I had an identity crisis? Well its actually a sexuality crisis, okay, I might be bi, I know, it's no big deal, but I come from a conservative family, I have a hard time processing it. All this change is happening so quickly and so... I dont have the word, but its just too much at once! I just wanna chill and have a simple life, I dont get why i must need to go through so many things right now. I guess you gotta trust fate. No just kidding fate isnt real. i think. idk but i know i dont have much faith in whatever or whoever might be in charge of all this shit anymore. Just me formally being very christian, that changed. Sort of. Right this turned into a vent, well, I would normally never share this anywhere but I doubt anyone reads this so here goes.

    03-08-22 22:21 Today was mentally taxing, I hope tomorrow gets better. I'v been having a bit of an identity crisis lately, I know im a bit of a late bloomer when it comes to figuring myself out, but I think it's bc im finally not living with my parents anymore, so I feel more like Im my own person. Oh well, time for bed goodnighty.

    26-07-22 21:32 I can't believe in a month it's been 7 years. 7 years. How different the internet was back then, not just the internet but also the world. I feel sad. I miss those times, and I'm trying to find out why. Around that time, it was one of the worst times in my life actually, how can i possibly miss it? Well, I think life has a way of making happiness out of nothing. I was at rockbottom, I clenched onto anything that could possibly give me happiness, and it just happened to be that. A fandom. 7 years ago I discovered something that ended up majorly changing my life in many ways, and it's going to sound stupid I know, but it was a cartoon. It got me into tumblr, into a community, into a place where I felt like what I could make, was valurable and important to others. Like a little family. I'm writing this now, bc I just watched 2 episodes this evening. While I was watching this cartoon I decided to look on tumblr, to notice, one of the blogs I used to follow and interact with on a daily basis, had been deactivated. It had probably been like that for a while.. but it hurt me. It made me think of what a beautiful place that fandom was for me back then and to see now, 7 years later, all these people who shared that community with me, are gone? Thats the funny thing about the internet, you can vanish out of thin air, but you can't be forgotten. You leave behind all your posts, they stay there forever, for others to look at and wonder, where did they go? When I was watching that show, I had these odd sparks of something I can only describe as joy and nostalgia of some sort. It was like a feeling I so deeply regonized, yet was so easy to forget a secound later. I felt like I was a young teen again for a short moment. I miss those times. How and why does this affect me so deeply? I knew about all the blogs that had been deactivated, and I knew about how dead the fandom had become, I knew about how the show ended years ago. Back when I first expirenced these situations, I did not feel sorrow, I felt that it was a natural process. Now, I think I understand, that all these pieces has come together as what are only distant memories. It's not just a user who deactivated their blog, its not just the show that ended, it's everything coming together, and me only seeing this now. A fandom I slowly left years ago, I now see will never be what it once was. I can cry that it's over but I can also smile that it happened, that's what they say, right? Nonetheless, I think writing this helped me a lot in understanding why and how I'm feeling all these emotions over something that appears so meaningless. I feel silly, and if I was you reading this right now, I would think whoever wrote this must be a little crazy, but the thing is, I don't have the words or the time to ever tell the full context of what that fandom and show meant to me. Something that may justify these feelings might be, that my best friend and I shared loving this show together. We had so many memories about it. She passed away. Not recently, but she did and it's still soemthing that doesnt feel real to me. I suppose, seeing this fandom living on, made me feel like what I had with my best friend wasnt fully gone. Now it's starting to feel like that part of my life is something I'll never be able to get back or relive. Which is true in some capacity, but I try to tell myself, that even though I might never truly feel the same about soemthing or someone, it doesnt mean I won't have other good things coming to me in my life. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm mourning this show, bc I assosiate it with someone I lost, aswell as it was soemthig that gave me a strong and deep feeling of happiness, now seeing all these pieces fall together, that it is truly gone, is a hurtful realization.
    Well, I doubt anyone will read this but if you did, then thanks. I feel better now. Goodnight.

    06-07-22 22:33 Goodevening. Todays been a long day, I was out with my friend looking at apartments. It was rly nice of her to tag along and even drive me to each apartment. All of the apartments we saw were great! But all of them were also out of my pricerange.. I dont know what to do anymore, it's impossible to find anything decent, and whenever I find something that I can afford, then they don't allow cats. Theres no way in hell I'd ever leave Bertram behind! Also I wasnt able to find my wallet before leaving, so I was freaking out, and then I checked my onlinebank and saw an unknown transaction(It turned out it was nothing tho lmao) and uhmmm freaked out. I had to call my bank while looking at apartments whoops. But I got my card blocked, and then me and my friend went home to my apartment where i served her some refreshments, bc she deserved it for helping me so much sjkdfsl oh and also she found my wallet, it was buried somewhere on my desk lmao, I guess I was too freaked out to even notice it blend in with my art supplies. I then had a call-meeting thingy, and afterwards I was like yes now i have some recreation time, but then my mom called me and asked if I wanted to go with ehr to check out some apartments and ofc I had to say yes bc im desperate afff. And then we got dinner afterwards and I got home to finish some artworks :) Now I'm tired af and I dont feel like going to class tomorrow at all but i have to hrhhrnnhnhh anyways goodnighttt!

    30-06-22 23:49 Suns starting to go down finally. It's been a rough day but not necesarily a bad one. I had a milder panic attack in class today and I used every muscle in my body to hide it, but my classmate next to me saw right through me. She patted me on the shoulder and slid over a noteblock and a pen, telling me to draw bc she knows that calms me down. And it did. Then I had nada in my ears and after that I had a meeting with one of my teachers. It was a very special meeting actually. We were just supposed to discuss education oppotunities for the future but I ended up telling her my story. How I ended up in this unfortunate situation. Not to selfpity but my story is very tragic, something I grief everyday. When I told her, I saw she felt my pain. Tears sliding down her cheeks as she took in my words. At first I felt bad, I didnt want her to feel bad bc of me! But then I realised I was talking with an empath, a real one. She truly felt my pain, and thats kind of big in my eyes. We then went back to talking about school stuff, but I felt.. heard? I've told my story to many now, but not many have truly taken it in and tried to put themselves in that situation. It has been a while since I talked with anyone about my trauma, the past year I've kind of been trying to push it away, even tho its always there. Nonetheless, it was a pleasant meeting with my teacher, I could tell she wanted the best for me. After that, my classmate drove me home, which i was happy about bc it was rly hot outside. Getting home calling all sorts of ppl and doing economical math all related to my shitty living situation. If I end up homeless in a month, I will truly feel used. Anyways imma dip now byeeeee.

    26-06-22 14:39 Good afternoon, I slept long today, woke up like 13:00 bc I was up late drawing with some friends in my discord server. It was so much fun! I'm glad to have nice friends like them. I've been a little stressed out bc I need to buy groceries, visit the pharmacy and do laundry, but I dont know if i can. I injured my foot the other day at the beach and walking hurts. I dont have anyone to help me so theres nothing to do really. I think i'll try to go to the store, but later bc its really hot outside rn. I have class tomorrow, I think I'll have to force myself to go nonetheless. Plus, I'll be able to follow my friend home after class, me and him go the same route afterall, and I really love talking to him. It's a highlight of my day! So hopefully my foot will be doing better tomorrow. It was last friday I was at the beach with my aunt and mother, the waves were very intense and they made me fall multple times, hurting my legs and making me cut my foot on the rocks really bad. It was bleeding hard, and you know me, I cant stand blood especially not my own blood. I was just stresseating oreos until I calmed down and covered my bleeding foot with a towel so I didnt have to look at it. My aunt and mother didnt really care much. It took a while before I got home, but when I did, I could finally rinse it and patch it up. It's doing better I think but it still hurts.

    21-06-22 23:36 aaaaaaaaaaaaa im so tired ill make this short. I've done so many things today on such little sleep sdfjksd i got 4 hours of sleep last night, but I think I can function decently with little sleep, that's what having chronic sleeping insomnia does to a mf. anyways so today i wanted to skip class super bad but went anyways and we ended up not having to do anything lmao but hey i got attendance! Then I was walking back home and chit-chatted with one of my new classmates who goes the same route as me, he is a really nice guy, we actually ended up finding a place to sit to talk for the next almost 2 hours lmao i got sunburned from being outside for that long! I could just run home to say hi to bertram and grab an energydrink before I had to leave for an appointment right after. When I got home I watched X-files with Bertram :3 Then I washed dishes and played a bit of sims, I'm working on a house rn. Tho I'm happy about having a productive day, some old wounds were certainly dug up today, and I've been reflecting on many things about my past, present and future. This new friend of mine has a good perspective on life, but deep talks can be exhausting. Anyways it's time for bed goodnightttt!

    20-06-22 00:37 I wasnt gonna write here tonight, but I couldnt help myself. I thought it'd be good to make it a bit of a habit, so my hard work for this site doesnt go to waste. I actually just came here to fix some tweaks in the code, buuut now that I'm here I might aswell say hi. Today I celebrated my birthday with my family, it was nice seeing them again. I got a microwave and oatmeal lmao lots of oatmeal, I may or may not have lowkey turned my wishinglist into my grocerylist, heh, thats what poverty does to one. Really sucks to be in a situation, I didnt even put myself in. If I had just blown off my savings on some dumb shit like most other kids my age do, then I wouldnt be so upset about being poor now. But it wasnt my fault, I did everything i could. It makes me so angry. Sidetrack sidetrack... Well good thing is I had a decent day, I never like family gatherings, so as long as it wasnt complete awful, then I will see it as a success. My greatneice def made it a fun day, she almost made me cry (from happiness might i add). She had drawn the cutest card for me and even wrapped my present all by herself, she gave me one of her little dolls haha. It was rly wholesome, tbh the little card with the drawings has to be my fav present of today. The money in the other cards do not compare to such personal gifts. Anyways I should head to bed now, I got plans tomorrow, yea ill be leaving my aparmtent for a sec, thats pretty big huh lmao

    18-06-22 23:00 Evening. Just gave Bertram a treat and grabbed a treat for myself. Doritos. I actually don't like chips, but I'm hungry and I don't have much food lately, i gotta go groceryshop again. Still havent really had any human contact, it's been 5 days now, and I am starting to feel lonely. I think tomorrow I'll be very overwhelmed due to being around so many people after being in extreme isolation for a while. That's the only reason I wanted a roommate, I was scared this was gonna happen. Tho the time I did have a roommate, I was doing well, tho I did not gain much for making that desicion. From now on, I won't be depending on others. I'll hopefully find a new apartment asap for me and Bertram. If I could entirely remove the need for socializing, I wouldnt hestate, not even for a sec. I find it to be the most useless instinct in the modern days of humans. I've started to notice, being in isolation has dragged me towards some self-destructive behaviour, like eating junk, not going outside or really moving my body much, but at the same time, stressing myself with chores and not resting my mind. That srsly has to be one of my worst flaws, not being able to relax my head ever. It's like my brian is going 200 k/h all the time. Though back to the results of these past days, I find it rather ridiculous, that humans are in need of such large amounts of social interaction compared to other species, and the effects lagging it gives. This turned into a combi of a therapy session and an anthropology report lmao its ok no one reads these anyways.

    18-06-22 14:22 Goodafternoon. I just turned on my PC with a big headache, I'm still sick but I've noticed these past few days, that no matter how shit i've felt I just have not been able to CHILL. Like I can't for the love of God just relax. Everytime i try to lay down on my bed or sofa, It only takes secounds before i grab my phone or start analyzing something in my briain. I always end up by my PC instead of getting any forms of rest, like how I've been working on my website instead of like, trying to not be sick and get some rest. I don't know what to do it's like my brain gets understimulated so fast and needs constant dopamine. Tomorrow I'll be throwing a birthday party and I know I'll be regretting not having rested the past days bc I will for certain be exhausted. I barely even sleep at night, that certainly doesnt help my case at all. It's like my brain is stuck between a constant overstimulation and understimulation at the same time, I dont know what to do.

    18-06-22 00:21 Hi again, just felt like coming back here after doing work on the website. HTML is hard but im starting to get the hang of it now, I feel! I've been so caught up by this, I forgot to eat and well, to socialize. I havent really spent time with anyone the past 4 days bc i've been sick. I've had a few phonecalls and messages but not any actual longer forms of socializing. And I've been totally ok with it actually, but tonight for some reason I do feel a little lonely. I have friends I can talk to, I just don't have the energy heh, it's quite an evil circle, hope I'm not the only one who ever feels like that sometimes. It might be bc I had mentally prepared myself for that concert with my brother earlier, so my brain just isn't processing that I'm staying home. Nonetheless I've got Bertram, so I'm not completely alone. I should head to bed soon anyways. Goodnight!

    17-06-22 15:43 So Hi, I guess I might try to blog a bit, I've never done that before, and it's not really like I care about anyone reading it, I just think it might be a nice way to keep track of my life lmao. I'd rather do it here than on Tumblr where randos can reblog ur posts, if I ever happen to blog about anything personal, y'know? So anyways today, I'm a little down bc I was gonna go to a concert with my brother but I'm still sick. I should take it easy, I haven't been doing that lately.

    16-06-22 anyways and Here is a picture of my cat :).
    Here he is: